Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
