I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
