Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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