I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
