i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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