yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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