you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
