He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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