i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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