If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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