True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
