I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
