Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.