If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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