I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
