Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
