I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
