Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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