Jerry, you need to find god
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
