even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
