at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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