$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My life is pants optional.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
