omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
