Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
