Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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