Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
