Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
