I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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