He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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