11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
