Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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