Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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