Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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