I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
