I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You've changed since you got that strap on
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
