here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
