I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
