I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
