i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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