somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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