Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This baby is an asshole
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
