The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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