make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
