You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
