I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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