Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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