Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
