There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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