shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
