you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
