This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
