she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
