i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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