does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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