Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
