One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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