new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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