you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
